Red Cliff: Discussion

Brian:  Ahem, uh, well, I have never actually even read a blog before, so this is all new and....well new, anyway.  I do happen to watch an unhealthy amount of movies, most of them involving explosions and really bad dialogue, so I guess I am qualified.  I would say I was flattered by being asked to watch a movie with Chelle and Rob, but it's what we normally do when we get together.  I do seem to enjoy watching movies more in their company, as very few others share my...unique...sense of humor.  Onto the movie!

My sister, Chelle's, latest hearthrob is a man named Takeshi Kaneshiro.  Despite the obvious handicap of being a very pretty man, Kaneshiro does happen to play roles involving swordplay, martial arts, and beautiful asian women.  I generally enjoy his films when these wonderful elements are part of his character.  This was not one of those characters.  He basically was in the film to look pretty, sound cool, and wear a white bathrobe, while giving those durn ol' soliders ideas for battle plans, and stand in fields a lot.  I think his character may have been a weatherman, which is important when planning a battle, because who wants to fight in the rain? 

The narrator seemed to be impersonating Charlton Heston, but there is a reason Chuck never narrated asain history.  General Cao Cao cuts and imposing figure in Chinese history with a really goofy sounding name.  An American equivalent might be General Nonsense, Major Woody, or Captain Diphead.  Competent leaders maybe, but still really funny to address. 

To say I did not enjoy the film would be untrue.  Beautiful cinematography, talented actors, and an epic number of snappily dressed extras, combined in fantastic battle sequences, and a bucketload of action.  Mostly in the form of explosions and fire.  It's a good thing China is the largest country in the world, because John Woo appears to have burned most of it to a charred cinder while making this film.  Woo blends historical events with characters who have superhuman skills.  I know China holds it's heroes on pedistals, but three guys whooping up an army of 800,000 trained soldiers?  C'mon now, Lil' Woo, tell the truth.  What really happened?

All in all, I really enjoyed this cinematic experience, since movies my former spouse made me watch included Sex in the City (shudder).  With three billion people, I'm sure the chinese have sex in their cities too, but do we need to hear about how hard it is for these women to find the pefect penis?  I wish I knew more chinese folk with martial art superpowers than women whose penis intake exceeds their daily caloric intake.  Ever notice it's always the super-creepy-drunk-really-really-dumb-guy they take home?

I seem to keep tripping over my soapbox.  Maybe if I didn't have so many of them stacked up I could have a clear thought on the movie I'm supposed to be critiquing.  Once I get those picked up and put away neatly, I'll try giving my perspective on another film.  Until then...eat all your vegetables. Oh man, I'm all out of witty closing remarks!